Fadvertising and How it Will Save the Human Race

Check out this shit.

If there's one thing I love, it's a good cliche. Man, they're great. Just imagine the doozie of a pitch behind that testament to creativity above. It probably went something like "sex sells." Ooh, that gives me chills.

What's really cool about the "sex sells" angle is that nobody's ever tried it before. It's fresh, and it'll no doubt surprise audiences everywhere who are used to mundane and unrewarding marketing appeals like decency and intellect. There's nothing quite like a swift love punch to the groin to take consumers' minds off the mind-numbingly uplifting appeals of companies like Dove and Hanes.

The really great thing about this campaign, specifically, is that it tells its audience exactly what they're going to get. It's really simple: apply some sweet Axe and enjoy the bum rush of a passion-rabid harem of women as you make your way from the front door to your mailbox to pick up your new issue of Hustler. It really works. As a matter of experimentation, I sprayed myself down with some of my roommate's stuff before I sat down to write this post. It may just be a coincidence, but I've been sexually molested by all of two harems since I started writing.

It's a great campaign based around a great concept that promises the market a great (realistic) reward: Spray More. Get More. Get more what? You know what.

Spray on a can and get ready to make an Axe of yourself.

What Pisses Me Off About Music

Purist thought is bullshit. In fact, the word "purist" itself is only a euphemism for terms like "dickhead," "narrow-minded prick," "know-it-all crotch jockey," and "teenager." The designation "purist" works in much the same way as does "academically struggling" or "handicapable"--it tries to make light of a realistically serious situation. To which charity would you more likely donate--The Foundation for the Crippled, or the Foundation for the Handicapable? Probably the crippled one, since their designation implies greater need. Where would you go if you needed advice? It certainly wouldn't be a stupid guy, but it might be an academically struggling one; to say they're merely "struggling" indicates that they'll one day be capable of competent thought and is, therefore, misleading.

Purists make light of their condition in a very similar way. During a discussion of Shadows Fall's music, a friend of yours might say "I just can't get into those random acoustic passages. Why can't they just thrash out like in the good old days? I guess I'm just a purist is all." Now, let's take a look at that last sentence. Remember that part of my first paragraph where I pointed out what "purist" really means? Exchange any of those real meanings for that word, and that sentence still makes perfect sense. In fact, some (including me) would say that it makes more sense. "I guess I'm just a narrow-minded prick is all." Yep, you sure are.

Velveeta Room Not So Cheesy

I went to the Velveeta Room last night with my girlfriend. It was a spontaneous decision inspired by free time and boredom (like I suppose all of them are). We thought we'd stop in to see some random local comedic talent, because we figured the worst that could happen was that we'd see a bunch of people fold like lawn chairs and bomb which, let's face it, would be pretty hilarious anyway.

I don't really want to talk about the local talent, because they did bomb. I think they were just testing material or just thought they would work on their ex temp skills. But, it was awkward because, unlike the pros, amateurs turn a bombing act using normal material into a bombing act using spontaneous material about bombing--whoah.

I almost suggested we leave until I realized that we weren't just sitting through an open-mic night. After the second act left us feeling like our brains had just licked a monkey's ass, the host came back on stage and introduced the headliner. That gave me a lot of hope--there probably wouldn't be a headliner if everyone was supposed to suck.

The guy's name is Mike MacRae. The host told us he's been on Letterman before, so I instantly cheered up. He didn't let us down, either. I think a big part of his success is due to confidence--he never second-guesses a joke and he delivers his punchlines in ways that make perfect sense. Plus--he does really good Sean Connery and Harrison Ford impressions.

That last compliment should make you think that he did some Indiana Jones spoofing. He did, and it was pretty great. The only time I doubted him was during his bit about his Hispanic friend that speaks with an American accent until he says Spanish words, then he goes overboard with it. It sounded a lot like Brian Regan's bit about his Italian friend. However, I won't make any assumptions, because I have no idea who wrote the joke when it comes down to it.

All in all, a great show (and surprise). I've been recommending him to my friends since.