They Can't Even Make Themselves Say It

This beer sucks. You know it, I know it and, apparently, the good people in the Natural Light marketing department know it, too. They can't bring themselves to use the word "natural" in their own logo.

In this first installment of a series I'm calling "Natural Plight," I'll examine the first of five Natural-Light-spawned marketing mockeries called "Nattyisms." The fact that they even attempt to position their beer as anything but a cheap way to forget that you're a complete loser is laughable. If you think about their marketing plan in any more detail than that, it might do serious damage to your central nervous system.

Natastrophe: According to the fine folks at "Natty Light," a natastrophe occurs some time just after some klutzy shit-for-brains wanders into a party at his older brother's frat house. Naturally, said shit-for-brains has brought a twelve pack of "Natty" with him to show his brother's brothers that he knows how to party. A resounding "nattaboy!" from the Northface chorus immediately drowns out whichever Jack Johnson song happens to be playing at the time, and young SFB feels accepted. His comfort level peaks as the featured artist changes from Jack to Rascal Flatts, and then he notices the throng of scantily-clad dick bait howling the lyrics of Maybury (or whatever the Hell that song about Cherry Coke is) atop every raised surface of the house. Distracted by his overpowering horniness (he's not used to seeing that much self-esteem-induced desparation this side of a computer screen), he backs into some chick and dumps all the Natural Plight everywhere. Uh oh--the night's ruined.

Spilling Natty Light is a catastrophe like spilling toxic waste is a catastrophe--you have to stop ignoring its presence, someone has to take responsibility for introducing it into the environment in the first place and, finally, someone has to come into contact with it in order to clean it up. Here's the bad news: unlike waste disposal professionals, the one responsible for a "natastrophe" has to clean up that liquid virginity with their bare hands. I'm pretty sure that's what made the Toxic Avenger the man he is today.

Ryan, How Can I Tell When a Movie Critic Blows at Their Job?

That's easy. All you have to do is look for evidence of any of the following causes of shitty criticism:

a) They didn't watch the whole movie, so they're ignorant.
b) They think they're anticonformists, so they're in high school.
c) They're just undeniably retarded, so they post on Pajiba.

If you know me in real life, then this post will make you sick. I'll be talking about the critical reception of the Saw series and why I completely disagree with the lot of it.

Here's a gem aimed at Saw III which I can justifiably use to represent all the trite, masturbatory, fiery language aimed at decent movies all over: "Face your fears. A lesson worthy of praise, if the film preaching them weren't so completely full of shit."

That line by itself illustrates that the author possesses at least two of the qualities I listed above. Have you seen Saw III? Do you remember its premise? You're not the guy who wrote the line above, so there's a chance you do. The major lesson the movie teaches is that the virtuous forgive while the damned harbor grudges. Side lessons include: "don't drink and drive," " the justice system should be taken seriously," "families are precious and should not be taken for granted," and "silence isn't always golden."

I will admit this: one might say that the movie urges its audience to face their fears when it makes Jeff burn his son's belongings in order to save the drowning judge. But then again, one might also be an idiot. Jeff was certainly afraid of letting go of his dead son, but that test's message was still absolutely one that promoted the virtue of forgiveness. By sacrificing his attachment to his son, Jeff demonstrated his departure with the vengeful grudge he'd harbored against those responsible for his son's killer's freedom.

Finally, in one motion I'll remove all bias from this post--I'll list a line written by another "wundercritic" about Saw. Who knows? Maybe they make a legitimate point.

"I'm stupid."
-Anonymous "Wundercritic"-

Wow--that is a good point.